What could be worse?

"We are here on earth to help others. What the others are here for, I've no idea."

I was excited for Halloween yesterday. My boyfriend, his brother and girlfriend, and I were going to walk around the city and see all the people in costumes and I was excited to get out of my house.

The night turned into a total disaster for me, however. I guess it started at my boyfriend's house. Molly, my boyfriend's brother's new girl friend, has no trouble talking openly about stuff. She was very helpful and polite with their parents, things I have trouble with. She seemed to fit in, and I, as usual, felt like a wallflower. I guess I was jealous that she had such ease talking with people she barley knew; people I have known for almost three years now and still have trouble talking to sometimes.

Then, when we got to Charleston, everything was going okay. We were going to go meet up with some of Molly's friends and go to a party. I felt nervous about this, but decided that I would try it out. When we got there, there were drunk people on the street, and when we walked in, the room was small with about ten people. I immediately felt uncomfortable and found a plastic chair to sit in at the corner of the room. My boyfriend proceeded to talk to other people which I somehow took as him ignoring me. I felt nervous sitting there alone. I felt as if I was expected to say something, but there was nothing to say. I don't do small talk. Because I felt ostracized and nervous, I left and walked down the street. It was a relief to be alone. About 10 minutes later, my boyfriend called me, I ignored it because I was upset. I called him back though and he was angry because I left without telling him. He dragged me back into the party even after I told him how I felt. I sat on a couch and tried not to bawl my eyes out. It was horrible. I felt like I was trapped. Then we went out for a cigarette break, and my bf finally talked to me. We went on a walk, and I told him my issues. I was bawling by then. Molly and his brother came over and because I was extremely upset, we left.

The whole ride back, my bf was very mad at me. We talked when we got back, and I told him I thought he didn't pay enough attention to me. I told him was very sorry that I was the way that I was and that I didn't want to be this way, but I couldn't help it. He told me I was terrible because 3 out of 4 people wanted to stay at the party, but we left because of me. I understood why he was upset, and I literally felt miserable because of what I did to myself and to him. I started to calm down and he told me he loved me even though he was really mad at me.

The truth is, is that I don't think he understands how I feel. He doesn't understand why I don't want social interaction,he doesn't understand that I can't help how I feel and how I respond. I knew what I did was totally irrational, and I'm sick of feeling that way.

I wish I could be like everyone else and have a good time, and it is so annoying that I can't. It really makes me hate myself. There is so much pressure on social interaction and if you don't like it, you're weird. I wish I could learn to love the way that I am. I get so mad when my  bf hangs out with other people, and I know that is stupid, but I can't help it. For some reason, when he does that, I feel like he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't love me.

ughh

"A consistent thinker is a thoughtless person, because he conforms to a pattern; he repeats phrases and thinks in a groove."

There's nothing quite like
A good old fashioned bloodbath
On Halloween Eve

I have a confession to make. I had wanted to hate her because she was Andy Samberg's girlfriend...and tried...but after a few moments of research her music took over my soul. I can't get enough and am seriously considering harp lesson. This is my first post here...and I'm sure I'm not as hard core as most of you yet. Still, I'm under her possession. I've written about my conversion in my blog Solitary Confinement, if you would like to read about it, please do. #1 Meet My Competition, Andy Samberg's Girlfriend Joanna Newsom http://www.lonnacottrell.com/?p=1322 and http://www.lonnacottrell/?p=1596

Hi, nice to meet you all, I am new here, i love this manga and anime, it's great!! i was wondering if anyone could help me with this picture, does anyone have it in better color and maybe with out words? thanks, and have a great day!!

From liveguide:

After her stunning performances with the Sydney Symphony Orchestra at the Opera House in 2008, Joanna Newsom returns to Australia. Joanna will perform her music this time accompanied by the her American Band. It will be the bands first performances outside of Sydney. Newsoms second album, Ys was recently voted by Mojo Magazine and Pitchfork as one of the albums of the past decade.

01-16 Brisbane, Australia - The Tivoli
01-18 Sydney, Australia - Sydney Opera House
01-20 Melbourne, Australia - The Forum Theatre
01-21 Canberra, Australia - The Playhouse (Canberra Theatre Centre)
01-23 Thirroul, Australia - Anita's Theatre

So this is pretty much the best news I've heard all year. =DDD (Since I've never had a chance to see her live before!)

Already booked my ticekts! ^_^

I think I'm manic depressive. but then I remember I'm not.

I'm so tired. but caffeine plus medication usually leaving me sleep deprived. that, and I've been drinking.

I went to Davis this weekend. David broke his foot trying to do bar spins in his house. he's a dumb ass sometimes. While I was out of town Nick had a party. I was thinking about locking my door, but didn't cause I decided I could trust him and his few dorky friends. While he was out on a walk with half the party (3 of them) the one girl and one of the guys decided it would be okay if they went into my room, and tried to get busy. When I returned Sunday evening I found a used condom on my floor. I was livid. I'm still livid. In no way should there have been ANYONE in my room for any reason. in pulling back my covers to change my sheets (cause I'm not sleeping in someone else's sex sweat) I find blood that has been bleached out of my sheets. At this point I'm so angry I'm on the verge of tears.

The sheets I currently have on my bed don't fit. I'm a little drunk, and I wish my boyfriend was here.

I have a midterm at noon tomorrow and I don't think I'm very ready for it.

sometimes I hate my life. but then sometimes I don't.

I think I just hate being an adult.

I’ve been a member of this community for a while, but I only ever lurked until now. I like the idea of this community a lot. When I joined, I thought it would be interesting to read what my fellow introverts had to say about life, love, how they perceive the world... how they feel the world perceives them...

The thing that bothers me though is that for the most part, I feel like this community has less to do with introversion and more to do with social anxiety. I don’t have anything against people with social phobias, but I do feel slightly resentful when I read posts about fear of socializing, fear of speaking, fear of rejection that is so crippling, it’s easier just to be a shut in. Then on the flip side of the coin, there are the misanthropic posters who dislike socializing, because they dislike people.

In general, when people hear the word “introverted”, they think “loner”, “socially inept”, “antisocial”. A lot of the posts in this community only stand to reinforce those ideas. I understand that you can be an introvert and a social phobic, or a loner by choice or circumstance, but one thing doesn’t imply the other. Social anxiety isn’t a symptom of introversion, and neither is being misanthropic.

Introversion is seen by a lot of people as a less than desirable trait, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact it’s been unfairly lumped together with social anxiety. When I tell people that I’m an introvert, I’m sick of having to explain to them that I don’t mean I’m antisocial, or that socializing scares me.

I am an introvert. I also consider myself a people person. I genuinely like people... I don’t like small talk, but I know how to make it. I’m happier in small groups. Not because large groups scare me, but because small ones tend to be more intimate and I like that. I don’t enjoy huge crowds, but if you threw me into one, I’d get around just fine. I don’t look forward to making speeches (who does?), but I don’t suffer panic attacks when I’m forced to make one. I enjoy time to myself, but if I were forced to live like a hermit, I’d spiral into a deep depression or worse.

Anyway, I wanted to post this for two reasons. One, because some people in this community have asked whether or not it’s ok to be a loner, or normal to feel scared or embarrassed in social settings. It doesn’t matter what I think... I’m not going to tell you it is or isn't ok or normal, but if you’re lonely it’s definitely not because you’re introverted. You can be an introvert and have a perfectly normal social life if you want to. The second reason I wanted to post this was on the off chance a loved one with an introvert on their hands stumbled on to this community looking for some sort of insight. If your loved one has few or no friends, and can’t or won’t make any out of fear or lack of interest, it’s got nothing to do with introversion... if they rarely leave the house it’s got nothing to do with introversion. They could still very well be introverts, but it’s a small part of a much bigger picture.

I’m sorry if this entry upsets anyone... I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm also sorry if this has come up before. I just wanted to get that off my chest.